Phoenix rising [11.4.16]

Let yourself be fully forged in the fire that you stand in.  Let it make of you what it will.

Be brave enough to stand fully still there despite the discomfort – despite the flames – and allow yourself to be fully formed.  To become more than you could be alone.  To be enriched and purified rather burned up or out or through. 

It is all really a matter of perspective. 

Choose to view the inevitable challenges of life as wise teachers and found friends rather than unwelcome intruders or fierce enemies. In the end, they will become what you believe them to be.  Why not let them wash you clean rather than rub you raw?  Why not wait until the fire slowly dies down all by itself and the golden embers glow gently and the warmth retreats?

Why not emerge whole from that bed of spent energy – from all that soot – and be able to walk away cleansed and steeled knowing that the fire gave you all that it had to give and that you accepted its white hot challenge. Withstood the pain. Sat still among the cinders. Trusted the wisdom that put you in the fire to begin with and in so doing became more of who you most want to be.  

Who we all want to be. 

More yourself. More true. More real.

Pure. Unflinching. Unadulterated. Your core left standing.

All of the impurities burned away. 

Just truth. Only truth. 

A phoenix, you rise up from those ashes like a silver winged dream and everything and nothing at all is different.

Tenderness... [10.30.16]

Really what we are all after is someone who feels a certain tenderness towards our particular type of broken humanness...

Because we are all broken in our own ways and what we need to feel whole is someone who sees that in and about us   and loves us anyway... 

When we find this in another we feel less alone. We are still just as broken.              Still just as imperfect. 

But witnessed and seen and loved anyways despite ourselves we                                    Finally feel whole.

The edge... [10.27.16]

To take the edge off...
Why do people always say that and assume that it's a good thing?
The edge is what you are supposed to lean on and into not to take off.

It's supposed to be uncomfortable.
As a way of calling you to attention.
You put weight on it so you feel in real time when you end and it begins.

That.  The edge. Is the entire point.

Resplendent

I think the world is hurting deeply right now because we have forgotten in ways individual and collective that we are all connected.  

That we belong to one another.

All travelers through these moments in time across this plane.  Here ever so briefly to learn and to grow before returning to the collective energy that fuels the stars and move the waves and whispers to the birds as they migrate.

We are all of those things.

All powerful things, all gentle things, all growing things, all broken things, all living things. All things past and present and future make up the vibrant constellation of the cells in our bodies and the brittleness in our quickly fleeting bones.

We are all travelers here.

All just passing through like every one of those who have come before us. All craving connection. All seeking love. All deeply deserving of our own limitless possibility.  If only we could believe that it too is our birthright.

All humility. All humanity. All fleeting. All brilliant. All broken. All one.

If you only look up from your many daily doings for just a moment, you would see that it is all around you. Here and now.  All the time. The sheer brilliance of the gift of being alive. The pure beauty of the earth and of each and every one of us is staggering.

It is breathtaking.

If you do not stop and pay attention you will miss all of it and then entirely too soon life and time will reclaim you without you ever realizing that the same spark of divine brilliance that is shimmering all around you also lives in you.

You are resplendent. 

Flora riding...

I saw a little hollyhock growing on the side of the highway...

It stood alongside traffic like a country garden mirage... 

Looking like it was trying to catch a ride.

All dressed up in its bright red best...

Petals blowing in the wind...

Ready for adventure. 

My unexpected...

Joy. 

 

equanimity... [6.12.16]

Today I walked among the ferns under tall old trees in the dappled light below them in the shadow of their stoic reserved majestic beauty and wondered what they must think of the intractable insistence on our small human ways.  Wild old pines and fallen nurse logs and redwoods as wide as a block of telephone poles – each like an elder in many ways – wise and old and watchful.  What do they see in us?  In our petty fights, our violence, the advance and contraction of our reach into their verdant domain. 

A tree simply grows and it watches. 

It burrows deep into the earth with webbed roots and up towards the sky with vast domed branches and it watches time pass and no doubt all of us.  To visit trees and the forest has always brought me great peace.  I feel like I am in the presence of something greater than myself, which of course I am.  Many of those trees I visited today will no doubt outlive me if given the chance.  They will watch the changes in all of us that mill about them and then return to our lives beyond the forest.  I wonder what they think of us.  I wonder if they can tell who holds them in quiet reverence and who else simply wanders by casually appreciative of their vast shade on a hot day. 

Perhaps that is why the forest is so peaceful. 

Because of the willingness of kind giants to bestow on those below some of their deeply rooted equanimity.  And perhaps we carry some of it away with us, our hearts calmed by their wisdom.  

Tiny Giants... [5.28.16]

Wandering with a friend the other day on a long walk around a lake and through a somewhat nondescript public park in Oakland, I stumbled upon a small unassuming bonsai garden down a small unassuming path in an otherwise riotously wild garden overgrown with flowers and dotted with community plots.  Two older bearded men in large straw sunhats paused their conversation to welcome us and then left us to walk around among the tiny trees.  A pigmy pomegranate in bloom just in front of the entry was among my very favorites I saw that day, but towards the back sitting just behind their small unassuming little descriptions were two true treasures. 

I am in awe of bonsai trees because many of them – particularly those that are older and have been “in training,” as one says in the bonsai community, for a longer time – tend to look almost like pieces of living driftwood.  All gray aged wood and smooth lines and yet they are very much alive with little tufts of pine needles or precious green leaves or even lush blossoms emerging from seemingly dormant branches.  That is, no doubt, why bonsai is an art.  Its trimming and training techniques are passed down by practitioners through traditional lineages that stretch back literally hundreds if not thousands of years.  Which brings me back to the pair of ancient trees sitting on unassuming little platforms behind their unassuming little placards. 

The first – a tufted pine – was estimated to be four hundred years old.  Think about that for a second.  Four hundred years.  Think about the amount of change and time and life that have passed under the bridge of posterity during that period.  Some long dead someone started “training” that particular tree in the sixteen hundreds, as in the seventeenth century!  And it was cared for and dutifully passed down by generations of stewards so that it could travel over from Japan to be displayed in the 1915 Panama-Pacific International Exhibition in San Francisco and then somehow arrive here in this small unassuming garden in Oakland where it sat before me. 

How staggering to think about.  All of the lives that that tree had witnessed – all of the change.  I found myself wishing that I could sit down with that old man pine and ask him to tell me stories about his long and varied life, about what he thinks about fondly when he looks back over his time in this realm.  I often think similar things when I look up at old trees in the forest, the key word being “up.”  Usually, the trees in question are almost unfathomably tall with their top branches stretching way up to the sky at altitudes only frequented by birds.  They too have lived long lives, but they have done so in one place with roots stretching deep down into the dark earth where they remain: Rooted. 

This little tree by contrast was a traveler, a visitor, and a fearless immigrant with a sophisticated urbane soul.  He had crossed the ocean on a ship perhaps a streamer.  He grew up in feudal Japan and had no doubt been at one time admired by samaras and geishas and maybe even warlords and kings.  I know that a great many of Japanese emperors appreciated the art of bonsai.  It was so incredible to consider.  Mind boggling even to think about, to try and wind back the clock.  This tree was also appreciated by thousands upon thousands of people at the Panama-Pacific International Exposition in 1915, during a time when San Francisco was on full display and the world was just beginning to get smaller with the completion of the Panama Canal.  It is estimated that over two million people attended the 1915 exposition and no doubt a great many of them admired this lovely little tree.  And now he sat there before me almost a hundred and one years later with even more stories to tell. 

There are so many things I would love to know, to ask.  What has it all been like?  What has stuck out as the most memorable moments of your long and varied life?  Do you miss having deep roots? Do you get on well with the taller trees? Do you miss your life in Japan?  What was that life even like?  Who took care of you?  What were they like?  How did you like them?  Do you have a favorite? So many questions, so much life, such an incredible being – this dwarf pine on its plywood pedestal.

Just down the path was another miraculous living bookmark in history.  An oak tree this time, which delicate leaves fanning out from its gnarled bark.  This little tree, also from Japan, had apparently been given to Abraham Lincoln as a diplomatic gift.  Read that again for me and let it settle in.  This tree met Abraham Lincoln.  The Abraham Lincoln.  Wait what?  I nearly fell over.  The little tree who met Lincoln.  What an unassuming miracle to happen upon in free bonsai garden tucked away behind a chain link fence across the parking lot from a public walking path on a brackish lake.  It is just mind-boggling if you really take the time to think about it. 

One of my favorite things to do when I lived in DC was to run from wherever I happened to be living at the time – most recently from behind the Capital – down the mall to visit Lincoln.  I liked to run there at night when the monuments are all lit up and during peak tourist season are often awash with the low din of high school tour groups and other out of town visitors milling about.  There is a place I like to sit nestled into one of the round grooves in the columns outside where I could rest before making the run home.  It is where I would go to think, to take stock of my life and consider my many blessings. 

You look out at the reflecting pool with the Washington monument at the other end and the Capitol glittering in the distance and long ribbons of trees in varying states of dress or undress depending on the season.  It is a very special place.  Before I leave I always pop inside to visit Lincoln.  To send up a silent prayer of gratitude for all he did for us and for all that he represents in us: Our better nature.  All that to say, he is important to me, both symbolically and otherwise and his monument has been a place that I go to find solace and space for contemplation and to think that this miniature oak was his charge in a way is just incredible. 

The oak who met Lincoln.  I mentioned it to the garden’s twin bearded caretakers as we were leaving to their clear amusement.  One of them gave me a sideways half smile said he had never really considered it and asked it I was a poet.  “Yes, in a way,” I replied before we said goodbye and wandered out turning back to the modern din of the walking path that lay just outside of the garden of tiny giants.   

Evening angels... [6.2.16]

I watched gulls glide overhead today in the evening light.
They glowed gold as though incandescent
The sun rendering their edges gilt and fluid
Like the ease with which they cut arching paths gracefully towards the coming dusk.
I silently thanked them from the ground below for the blessing of their passage through my world.
Riding the languid breeze whispering of tomorrow's dawn
They were like evening Angels.
 

Just outside the darkened room...

I often find myself wondering these days what has become of our understanding of our shared humanity.  In a critical way, we have collectively forgotten that we are all connected. 

That we are all human.  That we are one. 

Having traveled a great deal I have had the opportunity to spend time with people whose lives look at once nothing and everything like my own.  We are, you see, all striving for the same things despite the material differences in our circumstances, the relative position of our geography, our historical inheritances, cultural norms and daily lives.  These are merely the housing for the meaty inner bits of being human.  The outer layers may look different, but what lies inside is inevitably the same. 

We all want to be loved.  We all want to be understood.  We all want the best for our families, friends and loved ones.  We want something purposeful to do with our days and our lives. 

We all seek meaning – what are we even doing here anyway?

And yet, all too often, the fact that we may do these things in worlds apart – in another time zone, a different cultural context, or with foreign sounding words – makes us forget that we are all just doing the best we can here together at any given moment.  The best, kindest thing that we can do for ourselves and for other people – whoever they are – is to take the time to look beyond the divergent exteriors and to move towards this common ground of family, love, dreams, hope, and potential. 

We all have them.  We all want them. 

If any two people in the world were placed in a darkened room alone and asked to talk about their dreams for their lives, their fears, their hopes for their families, or their love of their children, they would leave that room with a sense of commonality and when the lights came on their differences would no longer matter.     

 

Rest here.

Rest here.  

Rest here a little longer my friend

before the changes come and the darkness creeps in.

Rest here among the stoic pine shadows and the sleeping green spring shoots.  

Lay down like the dormant earth and rest.

 

Rest here. 

Rest here a little longer my love.

Restore your faith in the spring that silently waits on the other side of the coming darkness of shorter days.

Rest here until you again feel the warm light of new days your face and then remember me

as spring smiles at you and summer sweeps you off your feet.



I will be here, here waiting for you -- -- my life -- -- until the leaves dance down and the earth falls still and it is again time to rest. 

Like waiting buds full of potential curled up tight against the frozen chill.

Resting until it is our time.

 

Keeping vigil...

The day I wandered by a mallard keeping watch over his dead lady duck I sat down beside him and cried. The tourists walking past seemed to understand my tears, but did not share them. How could they be so blind to his overwhelming loss?  

He tried -- as I approached -- to rouse her as if from sleep.  A dream she would not return from.

I think of him sometimes, when I see mallards pecking away at the grass alongside their mates as I did today.  I hope that he is alright and that the time I spent beside him in vigil for her made him feel less alone.  We forget that love is as pure and pervasive as the air we breath.  

That it extends to all living beings.  Who -- like us -- feel joy and pain and understand loyalty.    

I was worried that he would starve there doing all he could to keep her safe.  I stayed with him for well over an hour until it was truly time for me to go.  Walking away, I turned back and saw him fly down to the other ducks in the river.  I knew then that he had heard my silent prayers. 

 

Watching vines...

I was surprised to find that the grapes have already begun to ripen on their vines. 

Time seems to scuttle forward like a nervous animal these days.  Skittish, it rushes indiscriminately at odd angles.  

There is a subtle crispness in the air.  The airy breathlessness of summer is slowly giving way to something firmer and more substantial.  

I know that it is only a matter of time before the leaves flutter down.  Gently bathing the earth beneath them in color.  All of these things speak to me softly of letting go.

They remind me to enjoy the dark grapes nestled in close to their woven vines before they too fall away. 

On scarcity and abundance...

I think a lot about the dichotomy that exists between scarcity and abundance.  In my life, I have been fortunate enough to inhabit a great many contexts, cultures and countries and to meet many different types of people.  I have met both rich people who lived out of a place of scarcity and poor people who lived their lives from a place of abundance.

Abundance is a matter of perspective. Of one's chosen worldview.

Tuning into the beauty that is always around us is a very powerful means by which to invite abundance into our lives. Our material circumstances may remain the same, but as we begin to realize that we are constantly surrounded by countless glistening moments ripe with beauty our attitude can suddenly shift. We can begin to see the world clearly in all of its spectacular abundance. And when we do this, we too begin to feel abundant. 

Surrounded as we are by a wealth of beauty, we are better able to remember what has been true all along. That the natural state of life is limitlessness. That nothing is ever as dark or dusty or bleak as it may appear at first glance. We need only look closer and the world will begin to flower for us. And we -- in its magnificent shadow -- will flower too.

Because we are life.  And life is endlessly expansive. 

We are all naturally inherently abundant beings living in a world that will more than meet any need we ever have.  The key is that when we feel the true fullness of life, our needs begin to align more closely with our true rather than imagined requirements.  The value we find in what once seemed nonnegotiable may well diminish.  We may notice that we have fewer wants.  That we require fewer distractions.  And when this happens we may suddenly realize that we are content. That what we have is enough. That we are enough. 

In beauty, we finally see the abundance inherent in ourselves. In beauty, we are set free.

Confluence...

Lately I've been thinking a lot about confluence zones as a metaphor for the areas of difficulty, discord and disconnect in our lives. Sometimes we are unable to connect or to understand one another despite all our best efforts. In these moments, we are not unlike the two distinct waters in the churning boil of a river hitting the sea on upon its arrival at the coast: one freshwater and one sea salt. 

I believe that the churning water and seeming disorder of the confluence zone provides a unique opportunity for growth that might not otherwise be possible.  There are entire ecosystems of creatures that thrive in the distinct brackish space that exists between the stream and the sea.  But imagine how much time, difficulty and discord was necessary for the evolution of those specialized creatures.  None of the fish and plants and micro beings that live in the fresh water spontaneously adapted to the stress of salted sea water the minute their little waterway found its way to the ocean. Nor did the deep sea fish suddenly feel inspired to go away to visit shallow pebbled river beds on vacation.  They had to work out their differences: they churned, they evolved, they adapted.  

I believe that there is great hope in that capacity for change over time.  It is an innate feature found in nature and in ourselves as earthbound creatures.  Stress can foster unlikely evolution.  I try to remember that discord can be a powerful force for increasing strength over time, even if it sometimes feels as insurmountable as the struggle faced by every river drawing near to the sea.

Intention = Limitlessness

I believe that there is an incredible amount of power in intention.  To live an intentional life is to commit to being fully present to each moment in which one is living.  It means showing up for all things.  The tedious things.  The unpleasant things.  The boring things. 

In showing up for them as fully and wholeheartedly as we do for the more pleasant parts of life we exponentially expand the breadth of our lived experience. And in so doing, we amplify by orders of magnitude the potential that exists for us to learn the lessons that life holds for us.  I am afraid that it is a very human tendency to label those experiences that might be less than comfortable or pleasant in such a way that limits or even entirely removes our ability to sit with them fully.  This is an unfortunate loss.  Because life is composed of an entire spectrum of experiences across a broad swath of emotional landscapes, failing to learn from those less than pleasant events vastly circumscribes our experience of life.  If we can view all of our moments as valid and worthy of our consideration then our lives will grow deeper and richer and more profound than we ever imagined possible.  We ourselves are composed of all things.

The potential that we embody is as limitless as the experiences that find their way to us over the course of our lifetimes.  

So I challenge you to return to that inherent, unlimited potential that you embody each time you feel sad or frustrated or seek to minimize or label a particular moment in your life.  The strength you find in the challenging times you have over the course of your life will make the joyful ones that much more profound.  It is in our understanding of these extremes that we stand to gain a profound appreciation for the full spectrum of life and for the unparalleled and undeniable strength of our truest selves.

Traffic

I saw some dragonflies on the highway today as traffic slowed and wondered what it must be like for them to watch us on our hurried ways.  Encased as we are in steel beetle shells heaving ourselves through space on the backs of iron horses bridled in the fuel of long dead dinosaurs. 

We are no doubt an odd sight.  One that the aged dragonflies must squint at incredulously. Wondering if all of this frenzied blur of motion is simply a strange mirage born of the brisk midday summer heat and the small timeworn cracks beginning to form in their weary minds. 

Are we a cautionary tale?  The ones they warn their children about?  Bearers of noise and dust and deadly glass-faced wheeled scarabs capable of carrying you away from this world in an instant? What must we look like to their deep shifting prism eyes?  A dream or a nightmare?

I wonder as they dart at odd angles through the sluggish traffic just beyond my windshield. 

In defense of slowness…

I think that we have in many ways lost track of ourselves.  The pace of modern life and all of the many overlays created by technology have been ruthlessly hurrying us along at ever-increasing speeds and we are suffering for it.  Ironically, we do not even have time to really consider what might be underneath that subtle feeling of discontent, the nagging feeling that something is off, that something is very wrong.  We know on some level that we were never intended to move this fast or to do this much.  And yet, we have become accustomed to it.  We have adapted.  We have changed in the face of the requirements of modern daily life.  And in so doing we have become our own captors.  We now require busyness to affirm our worth; to validate our importance; and to define the boundaries that separate us from each other and from the world.  When we step away we feel less valuable somehow.  What will the world do without us?  A better, more important question is: What we will do without the world?  Not that I am advising that we abandon our lives – or quite impossibly the world – but rather that we must slow down in order to sink in. 

We cannot know ourselves well unless we take the time to really sit with ourselves. 

It is an uncomfortable exercise.  One that many now avoid in the way that we simply could not in a time before electricity and central heat.  We no longer time our days that the cycles of the world around us.  The sun setting does not mean the end of the workday.  The winter is no longer a time for stillness or quiet contemplation.  And so as comfortable as we are lucky to enough to be, we are in many ways utterly lost. 

I feel like this lost-ness defines us culturally.  I have spent time in many countries and cultures where folks felt less lost to me.  They still have time for each other; time to sit quietly; time to simply be.  Most of the places that I have visited have, by comparison, very few of the comforts that we enjoy and yet they are wealthy in many ways that we are not.  They know themselves.  They value kindness and humility and community.  They are staggeringly, heart-wrenchingly generous.  They are not alone and they know it.  It defines them in the same way our possessions and our titles and our busyness define us.  Their families matter.  Their communities matter.  Weekends are sacred.  Lunchtime is uniformly and formally observed.  There is always time for coffee.  Even if it is taken from chipped cups in a place where the coffee itself is rationed.  I have often felt the difference acutely upon returning to the US.  I no longer have time.  I am always in a hurry.  Other people are farther away somehow.  We are less connected to each other even as we are chained to the technology whose singular purpose is connection.  We often feel so very alone. 

I think that there is a notable and important movement back to the silent and the scared.  Back to stillness, to community, to each other and to ourselves.  We have to trust that our worth is inherent in our very beings. That it is as much a given as the breath that keeps us alive during our time on this glorious planet.  We are worthy and we hold the potential to matter deeply to one another and to the world, if we would only slow down enough to realize it.  Our gifts are inherent. They are immutable.  In silence they will find us. 

We need only sit quietly long enough to hear them whisper.  

On Comfort...

I think we often forget that life is not supposed to be easy.  That was never the intention.  The purpose of our time here is to learn things. To experience wonder. To love others.  To find meaning.  To become more.  And the unfortunate reality is that most often the business of growth is not a particularly pleasant one.  As a result, our attachment to comfort becomes one of our most consistent sources of suffering. We do not want to learn.  We would prefer to be comfortable thank you kindly. 

But that is not how it works.  

To grow we must be willing move through unpleasant periods of difficulty.  Change is a funny thing that requires both action and acceptance.  While these can seem mutually exclusive or diametrically opposed, they are not.  To be any different or to go anywhere new, we must act. We have to take the step that comes after the choice to change. We must actually move forward.  But beyond that we must accept the inevitable difficulty that is to follow. Because as soon as you act -- which many people never do because it is quite scary -- your mind is liable to begin kicking up all manner of resistance.  

Why?

Because change is uncomfortable and as such requires a certain measure of acceptance.  Difficulty and discomfort are inevitable fixtures in a well-lived life.  We must to decide if we will allow them to stand in our way or if we are willing to move forward on faith trusting that good things lie ahead for us.  Difficult things perhaps, but good nonetheless because they will teach us whatever lesson it is that we most need to learn next.  It is unlikely to be the same lesson that we imagine we need, but then again that is how lessons work don't they? They arrive on their terms rather than on our own. This is actually a lucky thing lest we remain stuck all our lives.

Waiting to begin.  

Yet hope is never lost. Even inaction has much to teach us.  But if we sit in the trenches of any given lesson too long we must acknowledge that we are missing out on the incredible business of being alive. It is far better to trust that the potential for growth held in the messy difficult bits of a change or a lesson will be worth more to us than the possible trouble or pain they can cause. They are part of our path. We belong to them and in many ways they are as essential to us as breathing.  Their movement through our lives is like air.  They nourish and challenge us.  They teach us how to be more human. More companionate. More alive.

And that -- after all -- is the point.

Why beauty?

Why beauty?  I have found that even in moments of extreme difficulty, sadness, illness or pain it is a place that I always return.  That is the beauty of beauty.  That it is always there.  It does not require anything of us.  We exist and that alone entitles us to wake up each day and find it in unexpected places.  Beauty is not the same as art, although art can often be beautiful.  Beauty lacks the same willful intention of art.   Works of art are created.  Beautiful moments simply exist.  They are not trying to be anything other than what they are and in so doing they provide us with a particularly apt metaphor for life.  We are already perfect in this moment and all manner of tiny beautiful things are available to us.  We only need to be present to take them in.  We do not need to seek them out or to pay for them or to create them.  We simply need to be open and available to the possibility of their existence and they will find us where we are. Here. Now. 

Hermits and their shells...

It seems that entirely too many of us are living stagnant lives trapped under the weight of old husks of past selves.  It would be ridiculous to discover a hermit crab who insisted on carrying every shell it ever lived in around on its back.  He would never get anywhere and the weight of all those old lives would eventually crush him.  Why do we insist on doing the exact same thing? Our baggage -- both mental and material -- weighs us down.  Yet we cling to old physical shells and tired worn-out stories retold endlessly to ourselves until the ruts they have left in our minds are so wide and deep that some disappear in them and never regain a real foothold in the world beyond again.  In order to grow we must release.  And in order to release we must trust.  Both ourselves and the inherent goodness of life and others.  We will take care of ourselves.  We will be taken care of. Life is good and we are worthy.  The trick then is to pluck up enough courage to slowly to set aside all of those old tired shells.  Once we do the beach is ours to explore.